Soon after my last post I began to feel horrible about "life, the universe, and everything."
I would head out with friends and would become so fed up with them and irritated by them after only an hour or so. I began to hate everything and not care about things that I usually loved.
I no longer wanted to do anything except stay in bed all day. Even spending time with my nephew, whom I love dearly, was a chore. I stopped writing this blog. I just didn't care about anything.
For a while, a week or two, I was able to fake enjoyment. Put on a bright smile, laugh, giggle, squee and create a sense of enjoyment. But every time I looked at myself in the mirror, that bright personality shattered. My eyes looked dead, soulless, vacant. I looked and felt like a zombie.
The end came when I spent a day with my three closest girlfriends; they are more like sisters to me than friends. We went shopping, something I usually enjoyed. As we wandered around the stores, I became more and more discontented and angry. Not at them, but at myself. I knew that something was wrong with me. Every time one of them laughed I would become so jealous and envious, and angry. Why the hell couldn't I feel that joy I used to feel at just being alive, why couldn't I feel that happiness, that vigor, that pull in life that in the past had kept me wanting to do more and more?
Moments after they dropped me off at home, I began to cry; I bawled. And then I did the smartest thing: I called my doctor.
"I think I am depressed," I said to her, "I just don't feel right, I don't seem to care. I feel like I hate my friends, and that isn't me."
"That isn't a big surprise. You've been through a lot in the last year," she replied kindly, "Also, some of your medications can cause depression. I'm actually surprised it took this long to become apparent. Come in on Monday, and we will get you started on an antidepressant."
Monday came, I went in to see her. I started taking the antidepressant. At first, every time I took the pill, there would be sparkles in my brain and flashes of light in my vision- like glitter. Within a week I felt better. After two weeks I felt human. Now, three months later, I feel amazing. I have such drive for life and excitement for even the small things. Oh, and I'm writing again. The world is now a better place for me.
I would head out with friends and would become so fed up with them and irritated by them after only an hour or so. I began to hate everything and not care about things that I usually loved.
I no longer wanted to do anything except stay in bed all day. Even spending time with my nephew, whom I love dearly, was a chore. I stopped writing this blog. I just didn't care about anything.
For a while, a week or two, I was able to fake enjoyment. Put on a bright smile, laugh, giggle, squee and create a sense of enjoyment. But every time I looked at myself in the mirror, that bright personality shattered. My eyes looked dead, soulless, vacant. I looked and felt like a zombie.
The end came when I spent a day with my three closest girlfriends; they are more like sisters to me than friends. We went shopping, something I usually enjoyed. As we wandered around the stores, I became more and more discontented and angry. Not at them, but at myself. I knew that something was wrong with me. Every time one of them laughed I would become so jealous and envious, and angry. Why the hell couldn't I feel that joy I used to feel at just being alive, why couldn't I feel that happiness, that vigor, that pull in life that in the past had kept me wanting to do more and more?
Moments after they dropped me off at home, I began to cry; I bawled. And then I did the smartest thing: I called my doctor.
"I think I am depressed," I said to her, "I just don't feel right, I don't seem to care. I feel like I hate my friends, and that isn't me."
"That isn't a big surprise. You've been through a lot in the last year," she replied kindly, "Also, some of your medications can cause depression. I'm actually surprised it took this long to become apparent. Come in on Monday, and we will get you started on an antidepressant."
Monday came, I went in to see her. I started taking the antidepressant. At first, every time I took the pill, there would be sparkles in my brain and flashes of light in my vision- like glitter. Within a week I felt better. After two weeks I felt human. Now, three months later, I feel amazing. I have such drive for life and excitement for even the small things. Oh, and I'm writing again. The world is now a better place for me.
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