Over the last year I have had several conversations about my sexual identity, experiences, wants, desires, fantasies and fears. It has occurred to me that not once have I truly allowed myself to act on these sexual urges. I tamp them down until I become a mass of raging hormones and horniness. And then, like a wave, the urges overwhelm me and I find I have to take matters into my own hands- literally.
Guys are the ones I've had some of the most frank discussions about sex with. I have been open with them regarding my ten plus years of celibacy - not by choice mind you- and my lack of overall experience in bed. They seem to view it as a challenge or they feel sadness for me and make promises they won't or can't keep.
During the last two months I've had two guys offer to buy me a dildo. I kindly refused their offers, probably to their disappointment. I now wonder what the outcome would have been, if I had said yes.
One offered that we could "help each other." Tempting though that seems, we are both worried about how that would impact our relationship and friendship.
Another young man and I enjoyed ourselves one night with some hot and heavy sexting... this one night was the closest to sex I've had in years. It was also strangely fulfilling. Now, after that bit of a tease, I find myself wanting to call him and invite him out and jump him. As I told a friend: "I want to molest that guy. I want to do dirty dirty things to him." Given a chance, I would ravish him and take as much pleasure as I could. Even though he is ten years younger than my thirty-four years, I would throw myself at him.
So, what holds me back? Fear. Fear that I would not be pleasing to a man. Fear that I could not find pleasure in a one night stand, and would be guilty or regretful. Fear of diseases or violence or subjugation. It is time for me to overcome these fears. The question is, how can I push past these fears and who should I choose to help?
Guys are the ones I've had some of the most frank discussions about sex with. I have been open with them regarding my ten plus years of celibacy - not by choice mind you- and my lack of overall experience in bed. They seem to view it as a challenge or they feel sadness for me and make promises they won't or can't keep.
During the last two months I've had two guys offer to buy me a dildo. I kindly refused their offers, probably to their disappointment. I now wonder what the outcome would have been, if I had said yes.
One offered that we could "help each other." Tempting though that seems, we are both worried about how that would impact our relationship and friendship.
Another young man and I enjoyed ourselves one night with some hot and heavy sexting... this one night was the closest to sex I've had in years. It was also strangely fulfilling. Now, after that bit of a tease, I find myself wanting to call him and invite him out and jump him. As I told a friend: "I want to molest that guy. I want to do dirty dirty things to him." Given a chance, I would ravish him and take as much pleasure as I could. Even though he is ten years younger than my thirty-four years, I would throw myself at him.
So, what holds me back? Fear. Fear that I would not be pleasing to a man. Fear that I could not find pleasure in a one night stand, and would be guilty or regretful. Fear of diseases or violence or subjugation. It is time for me to overcome these fears. The question is, how can I push past these fears and who should I choose to help?
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